Why so stinky? Why so disgusting?

Why is it that with a boy, stinky or disgusting equals cool?

If that question alone hasn't warned you, this post is going to be about some rather stinky, unpleasant, not so polite things.

My son is nearly ten years old. When I had my son I once made the comment that I would now get to see the other side of things. I was promptly told ny a few people that there is no difference between raising boys and raising girls. I can tell you that those people either raised all boys or all girls. Anyone who has had both will tell you there is a BIG difference.

Today, I was reminded of some of those differences. We had to run out today to pick up some essentials (butt paper and toothpaste) some none-essentials (hair ties, a quick easy meal for dinner, and a new telephone because the kids "can't hear" the phone when I try to call home) and school supplies (for Matt and I. The semester starts Jan. 10th!). Because WalMart is a one stop shop for all these items, and because I live quite literally in the middle of nowhere, we chose to stop there.

First, can I say that boys...... and men for that matter..... seem to lose brain cells when they enter WalMart. They instantly begin acting completely stupid and trying to see how badly they can embarass the females that are with them. Now, I have closely observed this behavior on multiple occasions and after observing other people in WalMart I can tell you this only happens if the male is shopping with a female. If he is alone or with one or more other males, he behaves in a mostly sane manner.

While my boys (my son and my hubby) did survive the trip to WalMart, (I will admit that during a moment of insanity, while trying on new shoes, I may have thrown my shoe at my husband because of his INSANE behavior), we did all escape the store in one peice. Barely.

As we wrapped up our shopping trip I glanced at the clock and realized that it was well past lunchtime, so we went to a nearby Taco Bell for Taco Tuesday. WOOT! My favorite! After a quick, late lunch we are headed home. As we are cruising down I-35, it happened. Well, several things actually. They all occured within split a few milliseconds. I was passing a semi when my daughter half screamed, half groaned "DISGUSTING", my son burst into laughter, and a smell strong enough to make me gag hit my nostrils.
I quickly started rolling down my window, ignoring the fact that it was in the mid 20's and I had no coat on.

Sierra and I were horrified, Will was proudly proclaiming "THAT CAME OUTTA MY BUTT!!!", and Matt was turning to high-five him. *shakes head and shrugs* MEN!

I thought my disgusting reminders of the difference between girls and boys was over but I was mistaken. Just a few minutes ago Will came back into the living room and said "Hey sis, do you really think Taco Bell's FIRE sauce is too hot to eat?" She nodded and he said, "Yeah, well you should feel it coming through the other end! That poop BURNED!!!" Then both of my boys were once again doubled over in laughter as Sierra and I were left asking the question, "WHY?"

Why do boys really find things that are so disgusting to be so cool? And in case you are wondering, no, they don't outgrow this. I witnessed proof of that when my husband came running out of the bathroom yesterday screaming. "You have got to come look at this! That is one HUGE poop! Seriously, come here!"

I refused, and realized that one day my son is going to do this same thing to his wife too. The poor woman!

Sometimes people just suck!

Sometimes people just suck. Sometimes I really don't like people.

On Christmas Day, someone made a mean and hateful comment to me. Someone who is supposed to love me. Someone who I love. It was one of the most cruel and hateful things anyone has ever said to me.

I think those are the things that hurt the most.

Someone insinuated that my children were not quite as important as other children in the family because..... well because they aren't blood relatives. They also said that I was jealous of other members of the family because of their children. At least they stopped before saying it was because of my inability to have more children. The insinuation was there though.

This came from a person who has been there through our entire journey with infertility and pregnancy loss. This is someone who has seen how devastated we have been as we lost one pregnancy after another. Yet still, this person made hateful comments. Called my husband and I both petty and jealous.

The comments came because we told this person that my husbands brother should take responsibility of his own children. This person argued that it is EVERYONE'S responsibility to help take care of these children. I'm sorry, but no. They TRIED to get pregnant both times. While they couldn't have known that they would have twins the second time, they tried to get pregnant so that their babies were close in age. They are TRYING to get pregnant now. They don't raise the children they have and yet they are trying again. It is not my responsibility to raise the children that they refuse to raise.

To accuse me of being jealous of someone who refuses to take care of their children.... of someone who does not adore their children....... of someone who takes their children for granted...... it was worse than a slap in the face! It's not jealousy. It's disgust. I can't stand the way that some people ignore their children. I can't stand the way that some people just take their children for granted. Especially when those people are someone who have watched a family member suffer the way that Matt and I have.

Sometimes people just suck.
Sometimes I really don't like people.
I don't know how to move past this hurt.
Sometimes life just sucks.

Ugh! This just sucks!

I am really looking forward to Christmas.

Most of the time.

There are other times where I am not. Those times where I just want to stomp my feet, scream, cuss, cry, and throw a fit. Time where I am missing my babies so freaking much and I just would do absolutely anything to have them back. Times when I'm just pissed off at the universe because I just don't have my eight babies with me. Times when I get really pissed off at the fact that we can't have a baby, yet EVERYONE around me is pregnant!

Don't get me wrong...... I am always happy for people who are trying to conceive and successfully do so. I am even more happy when someone with infertility gets pregnant or when someone who suffers from recurrent pregnancy loss has a baby.

There are times though....... there are so many people who do not deserve or want to be pregnant. People who are drunks, or addicted to drugs. People who neglect their children or  just don't want to be pregnant. Why do those people get to have a baby, but we don't get too?

And even when a person wants a child, has longed for the child, and is a great parent, there are times that it hurts. I have watched many, many people start trying to conceive while I have been on this journey. More of them than I could even begin to count have gone on to have a child. Some of them have had two, or three or in one case, a girl is pregnant with her fourth child....all conceived during the time I have been waiting for a baby.

Today is one of those times.

Everywhere I look, someone is pregnant. A neighbor, a friend, a cousin, online friends. A woman at church, classmates, customers at the store, even the weather woman. And right now, that hurts. I just want a baby. I just want to be able to give my husband a child.

I love my children, but I want siblings for them, and it just isn't happening. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it might not ever happen.

That hurts too.

I can't imagine why God would give me this unbelievably strong urge for more children if I can't have more children, but at this point that is how it looks.It hurts. It pisses me off to be honest.

And the rest of the world is still pregnant.
It's not fair.
So tonight, I pout.

It's over....... and I survived!

My first semester of college is over. I was stressed out, overworked, exhausted, and there were times I thought it would NEVER be over. It is though. Finally. I not only survived, but I worked two jobs, have a family, and still maintained a 4.0!

I am really looking forward to next semester. Matt and I are going to be in classes together and lately we have been closer than ever. A lot of people have said that they wouldn't be able to spend as much time with their husband (or wife) as we are going to spend together next semester without wanting to kill the other. I realize that some of them are likely kidding, but still, that makes me sad. Some of those people aren't joking. Some of them really do not enjoy spending time with their spouse. Matt and I love to spend time together. The more time we spend together, the closer we are. Lately we have been closer than ever and we are both very much looking forward to the time we are going to be able to spend together in the coming semester. I just can't understand marrying someone that you don't want to spend as much time with as humanly possible.

For now, I am just going to try to relax and enjoy my 'vacation' while I can. My workstudy is over until next semester. Classes (and workstudy) start again January 11th.  Until then, it's just working at the store and relaxing with the family. Well, that and hosting Christmas for nearly 20 people. That is another story though!

Exhaustion

Matt is officially done at his job. That means that, for now at least, I have to pick up as many extra hours as humanly possible in order to try and make things work. It isn't "ideal" for me, but it Matt and the kids are loving it. A mom's got to do what a mom's got to do, right? This coming week I am working 32.5 hours at the store, 14+ hours at the school and 16 hours of classes. Not to mention that we are quickly winding down towards finals week. There are projects to be done, essays to be written, tests to study for and CHRISTMAS to get ready for too!

Yeah, life isn't crazy enough around here, so we agreed to host Christmas at our house this year. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!?

I am pretty excited about Christmas this year. We got the kids just about everything (reasonable) on their list. Matt is getting most everything on his list too. He also got a BIG surprise this year. I did some rearranging, some wiggling and some saving and surprised him with a Toshiba 40" HD LCD TV. He got that early because I had to buy it on Black Friday and there wasn't anywhere to hide that beast until Christmas. He is thrilled with it, and I am glad that I could give him something that he really wanted.

I was amazed, but even with Matt quitting his job we were still able to pick up little things for pretty much the entire family. I still have to get a few gift cards for my family, but other than that and candy for stocking stuffers, we are all finished with Christmas shopping. Actually, we have the tree up, most of the decorating done, and about half of the wrapping is finished. We are on a roll this year.

A few more weeks and the craziness around here should start to settle into a much more manageable level. December 17 is the last day of finals (though I think mine actually are all finished up by the 15th). Next semester I am taking a much lighter course load, so it should be easier to keep up with everything I hope.

Long time, no post.

Wow! I didn't realize it had been so long since I had posted here. So much to share. So many things have changed, or are getting ready to at the very least.

During my last post I mentioned that Sierra had auditioned for a role in The Sound of Music. The play was last weekend. She actually played two small roles. She did great. Everyone did great. It was amazing!

School is going really well. I have a 4.0 GPA. I also am working a second job. That's part of why it's been so long since I posted. My days start around 5am when Matt gets up for work. As he leave at 5:45 the kids get up and get ready for school. When they leave at 6:50 then it's time for me to get ready and head to class. During my long breaks between classes I know work as an office assistant at the school. I love it. It's challenging and fun. I get along amazingly with the office staff, and alot of the other students are great to work with on a regular basis. After I am done with classes for the day I head to the store for work. We close at 9pm there and once I get home (usually around 10) it's time for homework. I usually fall into bed somewhere between 1 and 2. Then I get to do it all over again! lol

Other big changes to report......Matt's job. In one of my last posts I mentioned that he had moved to a new department. He did adjust well to that department and was enjoying work. Well, he decided he wanted to go back to school. I did some checking, filled out some papers and he got financial aid, so in January when the new semester starts, he is going to school to. That means he has to give up his full time job though. He is giving notice in the morning. He is going to start applying for part time jobs around here very soon. Hopefully it won't take him long to find something. There are a couple of very real possibilities, so we are hopeful. We've thought this out though, and we know that even if he doesn't find something right away, we are going to be fine. January might be a bit of a struggle, but in February we will be getting excess checks from our financial aid, and not long after that we will get our income tax return. We are going to use that money to pay all of our living expenses for a year and the money from my checks will buy groceries and put gas in the car. There won't be any money for extras, so we will have to cut ALL non essential spending, but in the end it will really be worth it.

Another change is that I have changed my major. I was going for nursing, and I still think I would have enjoyed it, but I quickly realized that it just wasn't realistic for me. I wanted to be a labor and delivery nurse and to counsel parents who lost their babies to miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death. The problem with that is that the nearest hospital with a L&D unit is more than an hour away. One semster of driving that distance to the main campus made me realize that I just don't see myself driving like that for long periods of time..... especially in the winter. Since Matt doesn't want to move away from where we live (and neither do I most of the time) that career path just wasn't realistic. Right now I am just going to focus on getting my Associate of Arts. I am taking some business electives, because I think that is likely the path I am going to take after I get my AA.

I am going to try to continue posting here on a regular basis. Finals week is quickly approaching though, and I have ALOT on my plate right now, so I have no idea how often it will happen.

First days

Well, so far the school year is off to a smooth start. Sierra and Will both have had two good days so far. Sierra auditioned for a play today with the community theater and she thinks that it went really well. I guess the director told her she did awesome and that she was the best he'd seen (for that particular role) yet. The play is The Sound of Music. I don't recall which role she auditioned for though. (She told me about this during the few minutes between me coming home and her going to bed.) It will certainly make things a little more hectic if she gets it, but we have tried so hard to find some extracurricular activity that she enjoys and excels at that if she does get it, we'll have to make it work.

Matt is doing well in his new department too. The job isn't as physical as it was in the old department, but it's using a new set of muscles, so he's kind of sore. That and ALOT of his co workers are hispanic and speak very little english, so there isn't really anyone for him to talk to during his long hours. His dad is transferring to this department soon too though, so if he can just hang tough for a little while it will get easier soon.

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. I only have two classes (psych and bio lab) but they are at the Creston campus (the main campus) so it means driving just over an hour to get to class and then another drive to get home. I'm pretty nervous too. I've been out of school for 12 years. I'm 30 years old. Am I really going to be able to pull this off, or have I waited too long to start school. I guess I'll find out starting tomorrow! lol

I have to get there a little early too though because I still have to make a trip to the business office to get parking permits for my truck and for Matt's car (just in case I still end up taking it from time to time. I also need to stop by the Osceola campus on the way to Creston or on the way home on or the other to pick up my final book for an online class that I added during orientation. Friday after classes I need to make a run to WalMart for a few more supplies that I still need. I can get through the first couple of days without the stuff though. I'd rather have it now before classes start, but I have to wait for my paycheck on Friday though.

For now, I'm heading to bed so that I have enough rest before class tomorrow. Wow, I can't believe I am really a college student and startling classes now! I don't know wether to be worried or excited! I guess for now I'll be both!

Turtle Soup

Grandma H. (Matt's Grandma) gave the kids (my kids and five of the cousins) all turtles today. The kids are thrilled. The parents.... depends on which one you are talking about. Most of us don't mind. Matt is slightly annoyed. We had told the kids no more pets. I like turtles though, and have wanted another one for a long time. Matt keeps teasing the kids and telling them that they can keep the turtles since they are from Grandma, but that as soon as they are big enough, we are going to have turtle soup for dinner. It's going to take a long time for them to get that big. Right now they are only the size of quarters! lol

Tomorrow Matt moves to a new department at work (FINALLY!). He has been in his department for like 5+ years and normally people only hang around for a year, maybe two. It's physically the most demanding department in the entire company and he's been injured for MONTHS, but the injury didn't have time to heal because of how demanding the job was. The new department is so much better for him physically, and because of the hours, it's better for the whole family. He will be leaving the house around 6am most days (compared to 3:30 am before) and will be home by 4:15 (compared to 6:45 pm). He will be working Monday through Friday with an occasional weekend shift whereas before he worked a 3-2-2 shift before. One week he would work 3, 2 off, work 2. The following week would be 3 off, work 2, 2 off. That just rotated back and forth.

Tomorrow is a big day for the kids too. School starts back tomorrow. Sierra is going to be a 7th grader and Will starts 3rd grade. That means that he moves to a new school. Technically they both do. Our school system here is a little different. The south school is grades Pre-K thru 2nd. North school is 3rd -5th. Then you have the junior/senior high. 6th graders all all kept in one wing seperate from the rest of the students though (this wing actually connects the junior/senior high to the north school) and then 7-12 are basically all intermingling through the rest of the building. So tomorrow my baby moves to the big school and my older baby gets thrown into the lions den (aka high school). It's so strange to realize that because physically she is SO small that I forget sometimes just how old she is getting.

I also have some big plans tomorrow. I plan on tackling this house big time. It's so hard to keep up with everything when everyone is home during the day, but now that the kids are back in school and Matt is back to work I hope to catch up quickly. I HAVE to catch up quickly actually because I start school Wednesday and after that, there just isn't going to be much time for cleaning. I hope to hit it hard tomorrow and get the whole house done before work. Tuesday I want to relax as much as possible and print up chore sheets for EVERYONE and then Wednesday.....well, to put it simply, chaos will reign beginning Wednesday. lol I'm taking 17 hours this semester, working 25 hours or so a week and still trying to raise a family. This should get interesting.

Surprises and registration.

I guess my interview went better than I thought. That's the first surprise. I did end up getting a promotion. Not exactly the one I applied for, but in reality this works out even better. I am a second assistant now. Basically the same thing as an assistant except that my hours of availability would prevent me from working a full shift most of the time, so I am kind of just a back up. lol So I get the perks, (a raise, the ability to do more myself instead of having to call for help and such) with very few of the headaches since there will most likely be someone else actually in charge most of the time. Works for me!


I had to take the kids to school today for registration. Another surprise there. We didn't qualify for free lunch this year. ICKY. Thankfully we do still qualify for reduced lunches, and reduced fees. I still had to hand over $52.00 today though and that was with only putting $5 in each kid's lunch account. I'm going to have to do some figuring and get some more money into those accounts quick. I also have to get Sierra a new clarinet. She has been using a school instrument, but it's not in that great of shape, and they won't fix it (I have to pay for it even though she doesn't get to keep the instrument). She's been playing with this peice of crap horn for two years now. I found a place that I can finance a new one for resonable payments. The problem is that my credit sucks, and you have to pass the credit check so now tonight I have to convince Matt to use his name to finance and to put the first payment on his card and then I can make the other 29 payments. If I can convince him to do this and I place the order tonight, she will have the horn before school starts.

I am REALLY stressing out about school. I don't know how I am going to pull all of this together. Work, school, being a wife and a mom and taking care of everything that I have to take care of. It's just stressing me out so bad. I hope I made the right choices. I hope that this all works out smoothly.

Maybe time for a change.

The interview at work didn't go well ate all. Before the interview was even over I had decided that I didn't want the promotion. I spent a big portion of the interview being yelled at for things that were not my responsibility (If I am not the one in charge, it's not fair to yell at me if things didn't get completed).  I was also yelled at for posting something negative on FB. All I did was say something about being glad the BS from that night was over. I will admit that I probably shouldn't have posted it, but I really didn't feel like it was that big of a deal. I mean.....everyone knows that you deal with BS anywhere you work. It's  not like I was specifically naming instances where this particular store was doing things that could be portrayed in a negative light. I could! I didn't though. Regardless, within minutes, I know that I don't want the postion. Matt Thinks I should still take it if it's offered to me though, and since I am trying to be a better, more submissive wife, I don't really have a choice but to take it. GRRRR! I was supposed to hear something today, but I they didn't call like they said they would. I'm fairly certain I didn't get it, but with a second manager quiting this weekend and a third possibly leaving..... well, it could be possible that they will offer it to me. ~sigh~

Until I have to deal with that (tomorrow) I'll just look at the positive and happy things in my life. Tonight Matt and Will are at a wrestling event in Des Moines. They have so much fun at these events, and it's fairly inexpensive, so they do them once a month on average. When they do, Sierra and I have a girls night. Tonight, we went to Subway for dinner and then we came home for movie night. We are watching Twilight and New Moon while I am teaching Sierra to crochet. I am working on spending more one on one time with her because I know that she really needs that at her age. She just turned 12 in April, and if that wasn't a hard enough age, she is so small that she looks like she is 8 or 9. I'm teaching her to crochet, to garden, to can foods from the garden, and how to cook during our one on one time. She really seems to enjoy it, and I definitely love the bonding time.

This time also gives Matt and Will time for "male bonding". There are times that I hate the bond between them. I mean.... Will is MY baby, and he's supposed to love me the most. lol At the same time, I am grateful that he has Matt to be his male role model. I know that he needs that. I just wish I was his favorite again. ~shrug~

That's all I have for now. Off to teach Sierra the next step for her crocheting project. I'm surprised how quickly she is catching on! She's making chains with no problem so next I need to teach her how to double back so that she can make a scarf with the yarn she picked out today.

Changes....

I have an interview at work today for a possible promotion. I have such mixed feelings on this! Part of me would love the promotion and the raise, but the other part of me doesn't want the stress or the responsibility of it. There are five other people interviewing and only one spot, but in a way I have an advantage because I am already employed there. The majority of the time the promote inhouse first.

On the other hand, a couple of the people are available more than I am and have more management experience, so maybe they have the advantage. I don't really know what to think or expect. Just pray that God's will be done, please.

Improvements

Things are improving. Matt and I are both making a concious effort to improve our relationship. Most of the time. I'll explain that later though.

I have decided that while we are improving our relationship, I also need to work on improving me too. I need to lose the weight that I have been saying I wanted to lose for a few years now. *blush* Yeah, it's really been that long. Longer actually. 5 or 6 years..... somewhere in there. I keep putting it off thinking that I might be pregnant. Now that I know there is no way I can possibly be pregnant (because I'm on birth control) It's time to get serious and lose this weight. I need to be healthier. On a plus side, maybe it will help me when it comes time to try to get pregnant again in a few years.

I've ordered a few Jillian Michaels DVD's which I will have tomorrow. Those paired with some DVD's that I already have will cover my workouts. The other part of this is eating healthier. I said about a week ago that I was going to start eating better. Matt has ordered pizza, baked muffins, made greasy meals that are increadibly unhealthy and brings me lots of junk food! This is so frustrating. He just came in with a dozen apple cinnamon muffins straight from the oven (the only thing I like more is banana nut) and sat right beside me while he and the kids ate them all!

I did stick with it and not eat the muffins, so that is a great thing. It was tough though. I just wish that Matt would be a little more supportive with this. He really needs to eat healthier too, but instead....each time I try to do this it feels like he is working against me!

Hopefully I can stick with this and actually lose some weight this time. I have to be honest here. I need to lose around 50 pounds. I am going to get up and weigh myself and do measurements tomorrow morning before I eat anything. My family isn't going to like it much but I am not buying alot of snacks and such anymore. They can learn to eat healthier too. It's not going to hurt any of us. I'll update on my progress weekly when I do my weigh-in/measurements. It's not going to be easy. Working nearly full time, going to school full time and trying to take care of the family too.... I know it's going to be rough. I really want to stick with it though.

A glimmer of hope

So maybe there is hope for my marriage after all. I saw a glimmer of it anyway. Last night Matt and I had to run to the store and I started crying on the way and told him I didn't know what was happening to us and that I didn't know how to get back to where we started but that my heart was breaking and I couldn't keep going the way that we were.  He apologized and said that he was just having a rough time and that he felt bad for taking it out on me and that he was really trying to change that.

I told him that at times I felt like he hated me and that he always seemed uphappy and that I didn't know how to fix it. He said that there is nothing I can do to fix it or to help him. He just needs time. He hasn't really had to deal with this while we have been together. Then he said he didn't want to lose me and he looked really sad and asked "I haven't lost you already, have I?" I pointed out that I was still there, and told him I didn't want to lose him either but told him we both really needed to work on some things, and that we had to do it NOW before it was too late.

It was a small step, but it's more than I have seen in a while. It has given me hope that my marriage might recover. As much as I hate to say this, I really think the birth control has been a good thing to. I have been able to relax more this week than I have in a long time. It's almost a relief to know that there isn't even a possibility that I am pregnant. It's been so stressful on me the past few years. Now I know that I can just relax and focus on school and my family. Maybe by some miracle when we do decide to start trying again we will get pregnant with no problem and finally have a healthy baby! A girl can dream anyway.

Not sure where to turn

I don't know where to turn to next. I had hoped that maybe the kids coming home would easy some of the tension here. I thought that maybe the stress of them being gone and worrying about them was making things worse. The got home on Saturday and unfortunately things just see to be getting progressively worse. Matt doesn't seem at all happy with our life anymore. He doesn't seem to understand that I want to try to better our situation for our family. He seems perfectly satisfied with just having enough to eat even if that means that we have to spend the rest of our lives working night and day and never being able to enjoy life.

I guess that really shouldn't surprise me much. I am beginning to realize that he wants much different things out of life than what I want. He is content sitting at home doing nothing, going nowhere, just watching life pass us by. I feel like we are in our 90's or something. I don't enjoy this. I want to travel. I want to see and do things. I am not satisfied with spending the rest of my life in this sleepy little town. I could settle for that if I could be a stay at home mom. If I could just spend my days raising my family and taking care of my house. I would love to stay home and have babies and raise a garden do all that. I know that. He doesn't want me to stay at home though. He wants me to work too, and I am not happy in some minimum wage job where I get no respect whatsoever.

My job makes me miserable. I seriously get no respect from anyone. I have been passed over for a promotion to assistant manager twice. I've just applied for that again, but I don't expect anything different. The high school kids think it is hilarious that I am 30 and most of them are making more than I am. The customers treat me like I am something they would scrape off of the bottom of their shoe. No one stops to ask what the circumstances were that brought me to this point. They just see a 30 year old working nights for minimum wage, and they assume that I am lazy or a failure.

We are like two rams, butting heads and neither of us giving an inch. The kids have noticed the tension too. They haven't said anything, but I know they can feel it. Each day it seems worse than the one before. I don't have anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my mom. While we are doing better than we have in years, our relationship is a fragile one and I don't want to damage it beyond repair. The only people I know here are either his friends or family or people that I work with. They are mostly high school kids who wouldn't even begin to understand.

I think if I had even one adult friend who I could trust in this area it would make things much easier, but I don't have anyone. I really have no idea what to do or where to turn at this point.

Worried.

I am really pretty worried right now. I'm worried about my marriage. I knew that four years of trying to conceive had taken it's toll, but I really didn't realize just how much. We had a real big arguement the other day (I think I mentioned it here) and things have been pretty intense ever since. We both said things that we had been thinking or feeling but not saying. Because they can out in a moment of anger though, they were not sugar coated or gently worded. Instead they came out harse and hateful. The came out with more force than neccesary and full of venom. I'm not sure how to move past this. Matt seems fine now. He said what was on his mind, he heard what was on mine and he's over it. I don't know how to get to that point though. The things that he said, while he now says he didn't mean quite that way, cut me to the core. I don't know if I can heal.

I love my husband. I really do, but I don't know how to live with realizing that he feels the way he does about some of the things that ...........ugh. I know I am being very vague, but I don't want to put it all out there and then regret it in the future. The worst part of all of this is that I have tried to tell him how upset I am, but he thinks it's unreasonable that I am upset at all! Maybe it's partially about the differences in the way that men and women process and think and feel and whatnot. I also think part of it is just that he doesn't realize how bad he has hurt me. Even though I try to tell him, I don't think he realizes.

I hope that we are able to move on from this. I really want us to be okay again. I just don't know how to "fix" this or move on from it.

Two steps forward, one step back.

I had another decent day food wise. I had a bagel for breakfast. For lunch we had baked pork chops, sour kraut and baked beans. I had another tv dinner tonight, but I also had some muffins for a snack today. Just two little ones, but I kind of felt bad about eating them. I didn't drink anywhere as much water today either. While it doesn't make any sense, I am finding that I stay better hydrated when I am at work or on the go than I do when I am sitting at home. I need to work on that and I am even looking into buying a water cooler similar to the one we have at work to see if that helps.

I did get a lot of work done around the house today. Not as much as I had hoped to get done, but still quite a bit. I am hoping that maybe Matt will do some while I am working in the morning. I plan on doing a few other small things on Thursday, but Friday is a completely jam-packed day!

Now, you know from the title that I had a bit of a setback today. That setback was with Matt. We had  a pretty bad arguement today. I wish he would see the things that I am trying to tell him. I don't know how to get through to him though. He completely blocks me out when I try to tell him how I feel. He even said at one point today "I've had my say, now it's over." Well, yeah, he'd had his say, but he hadn't listened to anything I had to say. Truth is, he didn't at any point today, but I just let it go because it was obvious that I wasn't going to get through to him. I was trying to tell him that I know I haven't been easy to live with, and I know I am depressed and that it's affecting us. I tried to tell him that I don't know how to get back from this and that I need his help. All he wanted to do was yell at me and tell me how ridiculous I am for being depressed and how I "have no right" to be depressed.

He's upset with me because I am thinking of taking a promotion at work. Well, applying for it anyway. The boss asked me to put my name in for it. He has asked me to do this twice before though and then passed over me so I kind of expect the same thing. I've been complaining about wanting to quit for a while (mostly because of being passed over for the promotion twice and because of my low pay rate) and he just put in a bid for a transfer at his company so that I could quit. I honestly found out about these two things the same day....the same hour even. My boss asked me to apply for the promotion and then 20 minutes or so later Matt came in and said he was switching departments.

While I do want to quit my job..... I think that this promotion could be an awesome thing for us too. For one thing, I could delegate most of the crap jobs instead of having to do them myself. There really isn't that much more that I would have to learn or do for the job. I have to count the registers at the beginning and end of the shift, but I've done that before. I'll have to learn which switches control which lights in the store and parking lot (LOL) and I will have to  be responsible for locking the door at the end of the night. There are a couple other small things.... customer service things.... money orders and hunting licensing... that I don't do yet, but I have watched them do them, and it really isn't complicated. It is basically the same job I do now but with an extra $1.50 or so an hour for doing it. One of my best friends has the same position right now and they started her at $9. I am at $7.45 as a cashier. It's not a ton more, but every little bit helps, right?

Matt thinks I want to stay at the job and take the promotion because I enjoy being miserable. The reality is that I am just scared. I am afraid that if I give up my job now that something will go wrong and in a month or two I will be in school and having to do a job search around school and end up back in fast food. I don't want that to happen. I'm also scared to trust and depend on Matt 100%. I know that sounds bad, but every time that I have put myself in that position in the past, I have ended up getting burned, so it does scare me.

For now though...... it's hot, it's late and I need some sleep. Time to call it a night.

Big hurdles...small steps.

I overcame a big hurdle yesterday and today, and I did it by taking one small step. It's just one day. But it's the first day of many to come. Last night while I was playing around on the computer I started getting the urge again. The urge to snack. I do great with my food during meals. I really do. It's the snacking that does me in. Most days I snack in the mornings when I get out of bed instead of having breakfast. I have a late lunch and then snack after that. I snack at work while on break. I come home from work and have dinner at 9 or 10 pm and then around midnight I snack again. the past few days I have been doing alot of thinking about that and decided yesterday that enough was enough. It's time to change. It's time to break old habits and form new ones.

Last night when I started feeling like snacking, I turned of the computer and went to bed. It's just a tiny step and as much as that one commercial annoys me, it really is true. One good choice leads to another. This morning I was RUDELY awoken by a horrible storm this morning. It was so bad that the storm blew a branch out of the tree in my front yard and it got stuck on the power line. The power was arcing because of it and I could here it sizzling and popping. I called the power company as I dressed. They recommended that I switch of my main breaker (which I had already done because the power was surging and flashing on and off. I didn't want it to ruin any electronics) and leave the house. I let her know that it was still storming and I had no where to go (the entire family was camping over the weekend and not coming home until this afternoon so no one was home!) and asked how soon someone would be in the area. She told me it was being marked as a priority and sent right out. The guy had to come from a town normally 30 minutes away. He was pulling in 15 minutes after the call went out. Ended up the small stick knocked out power for 8 MILES! Once they cleared me to turn the main back on and they reset power for the area I decided I was awake, I may as well stay up. I was kind of hungry, but instead of snacking on chips or soda or the junk that I normally would have...... I had BREAKFAST!  I had a bagel with honey on one half and peanut butter on the other and a bottle of water.

The changes continued throughout the day. I had lunch before heading to work. I ate a tv dinner. I know that processed foods aren't great and I do want to get away from them, but with nursing school and still working as much as possible AND a possible promotion (more about that in another post) I just don't know how soon I can feasibly get rid of processed foods. That is in the works though! Normally I would drink 2 sodas with lunch, and probably have a bunch of chips too. Maybe some candy or something after. Top all that off with a bowl of ice cream before heading out the door. Today I didn't do that. I had my tv dinner and a 16.9 ounce bottle of water and that was the end. On my way out the door for work instead of having ice cream, I grabbed another bottle of water! I think I ended up drinking 5 of them today. Definitely 4... likely 5. Which is GREAT! My goal is to get to a point where I am drinking 80 - 100 ounces of water daily. Today I got somewhere 67 - 84!

For dinner I had another tv dinner with two slices of bread and butter and another bottle of water. I have made it through an entire 24 hour period with no snacking! WHOO HOO! I know it's small, but it is just the first step. The first day with many more days to come! For now... it's time to get some sleep. First because I am starting to feel like snacking again, and I don't want to do that. Second, because tomorrow is my last day off before the kids come home from their dad's. They have been gone since June 2nd. They come home on Saturday and I have ALOT that I need to do before they get home. I have to get upstairs and sort their toys and get rid of old worn out stuff. I have to set up their new beds, dust their bedrooms and tv room. Put their new TV upstairs (the old one from my bedroom) and get it hooked up and vaccum. The upstairs is their "world" I don't go up there when they are gone (have no reason to) and so it hasn't been cleaned that whole time. For now.... time for bed. Morning will come early and while it might be a day off... there is ALOT to do tomorrow!

My life

Tonight, I am sitting here in silence, reflecting on my life. I am thinking about good times and bad ones. Mostly though, I am focusing on the things that I have to be thankful for. My family for one. I am so luck to have an amazing husband. As cheesy as it sounds, Matt really is my best friend. He is my soul mate. I thank God for him each and every day. I really can't ask for a better man. He goes above and beyond to take care of me and the kids. There aren't many men like him out there. I am very thankful to have found him.

Matt and I met on a dating site. I didn't believe you could really meet someone online, but a friend was joining the site and didn't want to be the only person from our area on there, so she asked me to join. I did, making jokes about it the whole time, and shortly after that, I met Matt. We did the long distance dating thing for a while, and in March of 2006 we moved in together and decided to leave the size of our family up to God.  I have two other children from my first marriage. My daughter was conceived while trying to prevent a pregnancy and my son was conceived while we weren't trying, but weren't preventing either. Because of that, I suspected we would be adding to our family very quickly. Nothing could prepare me for what was to come.

In the past (nearly) four and a half years I have been pregnant 8 times. I've had a total of 10 pregnancies in my lifetime and I have two living children. Matt and I have not had any trouble getting pregnant. The longest we've ever gone between pregnancies is 10 months. Other times only 2-3 months. On average, I am able to get pregnant every 7 or 8 months.  Our problem comes to staying pregnant. So far I haven't been so good at that.  Our most recent loss was one week ago. It has been heartbreaking to say the least.  Because of all of these problems, and because I am getting ready to return to school to become a nurse, we have decided to prevent a pregnancy from occuring. Tonight I took my first birth control pill. Over the next couple of years I will be in school full time and working part time. I will work on losing the 70 pounds or so that I have put on since high school. We are going to have some testing done to see if we can find out why we keep losing babies, and we are going to save up money. Maybe we just need an asprin a day to stay pregnant or maybe we need invitro fertilization. Only time will tell, but before we start trying to conceive again, we will be financially prepared for ANY outcome. If nothing else, we will adopt. Matt and I will expand our family one day. Until then, come along for the ride as we go through our daily life. The lives of an average family living in the midst of America's heartland.