Two steps forward, one step back.

I had another decent day food wise. I had a bagel for breakfast. For lunch we had baked pork chops, sour kraut and baked beans. I had another tv dinner tonight, but I also had some muffins for a snack today. Just two little ones, but I kind of felt bad about eating them. I didn't drink anywhere as much water today either. While it doesn't make any sense, I am finding that I stay better hydrated when I am at work or on the go than I do when I am sitting at home. I need to work on that and I am even looking into buying a water cooler similar to the one we have at work to see if that helps.

I did get a lot of work done around the house today. Not as much as I had hoped to get done, but still quite a bit. I am hoping that maybe Matt will do some while I am working in the morning. I plan on doing a few other small things on Thursday, but Friday is a completely jam-packed day!

Now, you know from the title that I had a bit of a setback today. That setback was with Matt. We had  a pretty bad arguement today. I wish he would see the things that I am trying to tell him. I don't know how to get through to him though. He completely blocks me out when I try to tell him how I feel. He even said at one point today "I've had my say, now it's over." Well, yeah, he'd had his say, but he hadn't listened to anything I had to say. Truth is, he didn't at any point today, but I just let it go because it was obvious that I wasn't going to get through to him. I was trying to tell him that I know I haven't been easy to live with, and I know I am depressed and that it's affecting us. I tried to tell him that I don't know how to get back from this and that I need his help. All he wanted to do was yell at me and tell me how ridiculous I am for being depressed and how I "have no right" to be depressed.

He's upset with me because I am thinking of taking a promotion at work. Well, applying for it anyway. The boss asked me to put my name in for it. He has asked me to do this twice before though and then passed over me so I kind of expect the same thing. I've been complaining about wanting to quit for a while (mostly because of being passed over for the promotion twice and because of my low pay rate) and he just put in a bid for a transfer at his company so that I could quit. I honestly found out about these two things the same day....the same hour even. My boss asked me to apply for the promotion and then 20 minutes or so later Matt came in and said he was switching departments.

While I do want to quit my job..... I think that this promotion could be an awesome thing for us too. For one thing, I could delegate most of the crap jobs instead of having to do them myself. There really isn't that much more that I would have to learn or do for the job. I have to count the registers at the beginning and end of the shift, but I've done that before. I'll have to learn which switches control which lights in the store and parking lot (LOL) and I will have to  be responsible for locking the door at the end of the night. There are a couple other small things.... customer service things.... money orders and hunting licensing... that I don't do yet, but I have watched them do them, and it really isn't complicated. It is basically the same job I do now but with an extra $1.50 or so an hour for doing it. One of my best friends has the same position right now and they started her at $9. I am at $7.45 as a cashier. It's not a ton more, but every little bit helps, right?

Matt thinks I want to stay at the job and take the promotion because I enjoy being miserable. The reality is that I am just scared. I am afraid that if I give up my job now that something will go wrong and in a month or two I will be in school and having to do a job search around school and end up back in fast food. I don't want that to happen. I'm also scared to trust and depend on Matt 100%. I know that sounds bad, but every time that I have put myself in that position in the past, I have ended up getting burned, so it does scare me.

For now though...... it's hot, it's late and I need some sleep. Time to call it a night.