Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Ugh! This just sucks!

I am really looking forward to Christmas.

Most of the time.

There are other times where I am not. Those times where I just want to stomp my feet, scream, cuss, cry, and throw a fit. Time where I am missing my babies so freaking much and I just would do absolutely anything to have them back. Times when I'm just pissed off at the universe because I just don't have my eight babies with me. Times when I get really pissed off at the fact that we can't have a baby, yet EVERYONE around me is pregnant!

Don't get me wrong...... I am always happy for people who are trying to conceive and successfully do so. I am even more happy when someone with infertility gets pregnant or when someone who suffers from recurrent pregnancy loss has a baby.

There are times though....... there are so many people who do not deserve or want to be pregnant. People who are drunks, or addicted to drugs. People who neglect their children or  just don't want to be pregnant. Why do those people get to have a baby, but we don't get too?

And even when a person wants a child, has longed for the child, and is a great parent, there are times that it hurts. I have watched many, many people start trying to conceive while I have been on this journey. More of them than I could even begin to count have gone on to have a child. Some of them have had two, or three or in one case, a girl is pregnant with her fourth child....all conceived during the time I have been waiting for a baby.

Today is one of those times.

Everywhere I look, someone is pregnant. A neighbor, a friend, a cousin, online friends. A woman at church, classmates, customers at the store, even the weather woman. And right now, that hurts. I just want a baby. I just want to be able to give my husband a child.

I love my children, but I want siblings for them, and it just isn't happening. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it might not ever happen.

That hurts too.

I can't imagine why God would give me this unbelievably strong urge for more children if I can't have more children, but at this point that is how it looks.It hurts. It pisses me off to be honest.

And the rest of the world is still pregnant.
It's not fair.
So tonight, I pout.


Amanda said...

I so understand where you are coming from right now. I feel the same way at times too. And what's worse is the feeling, when someone who I KNOW has struggled with IF or pg loss gets pg & I am of course happy for them but there is a void inside me that cries out, "Why not me? Why is this taking sooooooooo long? When is it my turn?" I lean on God everyday & it IS His strength that gets me through this but it is so hard at times. I know nothing I say can/will help but know that you are loved & prayed for & most of all, not alone. *hugs*

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