Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Is it over yet?!?

I am so ready for the weekend. Seriously. Not that I have much of a weekend. I just want this week to be over. It's been a long one.

Saturday made four years since my Dad passed away. And I had to work. Needless to say, it was a bad day. It just set the tone too. Sunday church was cancelled because of snow. The roads were NASTY and we were stuck at home. I shoveled way too much snow and ended up with my shoulder hurting.

Sunday night I had a dream. A dream that maybe should have given me hope, but instead just caused more heartbreak. I dreamed of twins. Two beautiful little girls. Hannah and Sarah. They both had dark hair just like Matt. They were perfect. They were born early though, and the doctors told me that Sarah wasn't going to make it. I wasn't worried though. I knew in my heart that my girl was a fighter. I knew it would be fine. In my dream I watched my girls get bigger and grow stronger. I was able to take both girls home with me and they continued to thrive.

The dream was so realistic that when I woke up, I looked around for them. I didn't see them, so I thought Matt must have them, letting me sleep. As I opened the bedroom door and looked into the livingroom there wasn't any babies, toys, bassinetts or anything..... then it hit me. There were no babies. It was just a dream. I didn't have a Hannah or a Sarah. It was like a sucker punch to the gut. I started crying before Matt even realized I was in the room. Not just tears. Gut wrenching sobs. I couldn't help it. My heart was breaking. This was the most realistic dream I had ever had, and I spent most of the day Monday in bed, grieving for two beautiful little girls I've never even had. I could not even force myself to get up until nearly 3pm when I HAD to get up for work. Even as I type this, I cry. Tears for those two little babies. Maybe it's stupid, but I fell in love with those two girls during that dream, and the pain from "losing" them is just as bad as the pain I've experienced with my chemical pregnancies.

I have been in mourning all week. Grieving for children I never carried, never saw, never held in my arms. Grieving for children who never even exsisted, but whom I loved more than I can even explain. I have cried at random times all week thinking about Hannah and Sarah. I would give ANYTHING to have them. Matt thinks that the dream was a sign and should give me hope. After all, I should have ovulated Saturday or Sunday. We covered our bases from a TTC standpoint. He thinks I should be happy, but the fact is, it just reminds me of what we have been working for during the past 5 years. What we have tried for time after time, and what we still don't have.

Tonight I was on youtube surfing around and decided to watch the memorial video that I posted for my Dad. That is when I realized that a week ago (so right around the anniversary of his passing) some douchebag posted HORRIBLE comments on the video. Comments that I won't even repeat, but that I will never be able to erase from my memory. It pisses me off and breaks my heart.

Once again, I sit here with tears streaming down my face. Tears for my Dad and for my girls. For my precious Hannah and Sarah. Beautiful babies that I would do anything to have. Babies that I don't think I'll ever get to have. After five years, I just don't know how to be hopeful anymore. I'm broken. My belief that EVERYONE will eventually get the babies they want is gone. My faith that one day I will hold a baby of my own is gone. I'm broken, and I don't know if I will ever be whole again.


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