My Next 30 Years: Four Years

Four years ago I said goodbye to my Dad. It was by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Today my son and I sat and talked about my Dad. It breaks my heart to realize that my son has very few memories of my Dad. He was five and a half when Dad passed away, but we had already been living in Iowa for a year, and he hadn't seen him during that time. I was 5 when my grandfather passed, so I guess I should have realized. It just hadn't thought about it I guess.

It makes me so sad, to think about the things that Will has missed out on with his Pap. I wish he had been able to spend more time with him. I wish he didn't have to depend on my memories to learn about his Pap. At the same time, realizing how much he is missing out on makes me sad for me too. For the first time, it has really dawned on me just how much I missed out on with my Pap. As I said, I was 5 when he passed, and I while I know that he and I were extremely close, I have only a few very brief memories of him. I don't remember his funeral or his death. I don't remember much at all really. In a way, I guess that I am not only grieving for my father, but for the first time, I am also grieving for my Pap. Maybe that is why this year was so much harder on me than any other year so far.

I miss my Dad so much. My husband only met him one time, for a very brief period. My son doesn't remember much about him. The reality is, my daughter is the only of his five grandchildren who will actually remember him. One of his grandsons was born just 5 days before he passed, my son was 5 and my neice was 2 and the fifth never got to meet him at all. It just doesn't seem fair. I wish they all could have known what an amazing man he was.

My Daddy