Sometimes people just suck!

Sometimes people just suck. Sometimes I really don't like people.

On Christmas Day, someone made a mean and hateful comment to me. Someone who is supposed to love me. Someone who I love. It was one of the most cruel and hateful things anyone has ever said to me.

I think those are the things that hurt the most.

Someone insinuated that my children were not quite as important as other children in the family because..... well because they aren't blood relatives. They also said that I was jealous of other members of the family because of their children. At least they stopped before saying it was because of my inability to have more children. The insinuation was there though.

This came from a person who has been there through our entire journey with infertility and pregnancy loss. This is someone who has seen how devastated we have been as we lost one pregnancy after another. Yet still, this person made hateful comments. Called my husband and I both petty and jealous.

The comments came because we told this person that my husbands brother should take responsibility of his own children. This person argued that it is EVERYONE'S responsibility to help take care of these children. I'm sorry, but no. They TRIED to get pregnant both times. While they couldn't have known that they would have twins the second time, they tried to get pregnant so that their babies were close in age. They are TRYING to get pregnant now. They don't raise the children they have and yet they are trying again. It is not my responsibility to raise the children that they refuse to raise.

To accuse me of being jealous of someone who refuses to take care of their children.... of someone who does not adore their children....... of someone who takes their children for granted...... it was worse than a slap in the face! It's not jealousy. It's disgust. I can't stand the way that some people ignore their children. I can't stand the way that some people just take their children for granted. Especially when those people are someone who have watched a family member suffer the way that Matt and I have.

Sometimes people just suck.
Sometimes I really don't like people.
I don't know how to move past this hurt.
Sometimes life just sucks.

Ugh! This just sucks!

I am really looking forward to Christmas.

Most of the time.

There are other times where I am not. Those times where I just want to stomp my feet, scream, cuss, cry, and throw a fit. Time where I am missing my babies so freaking much and I just would do absolutely anything to have them back. Times when I'm just pissed off at the universe because I just don't have my eight babies with me. Times when I get really pissed off at the fact that we can't have a baby, yet EVERYONE around me is pregnant!

Don't get me wrong...... I am always happy for people who are trying to conceive and successfully do so. I am even more happy when someone with infertility gets pregnant or when someone who suffers from recurrent pregnancy loss has a baby.

There are times though....... there are so many people who do not deserve or want to be pregnant. People who are drunks, or addicted to drugs. People who neglect their children or  just don't want to be pregnant. Why do those people get to have a baby, but we don't get too?

And even when a person wants a child, has longed for the child, and is a great parent, there are times that it hurts. I have watched many, many people start trying to conceive while I have been on this journey. More of them than I could even begin to count have gone on to have a child. Some of them have had two, or three or in one case, a girl is pregnant with her fourth child....all conceived during the time I have been waiting for a baby.

Today is one of those times.

Everywhere I look, someone is pregnant. A neighbor, a friend, a cousin, online friends. A woman at church, classmates, customers at the store, even the weather woman. And right now, that hurts. I just want a baby. I just want to be able to give my husband a child.

I love my children, but I want siblings for them, and it just isn't happening. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it might not ever happen.

That hurts too.

I can't imagine why God would give me this unbelievably strong urge for more children if I can't have more children, but at this point that is how it looks.It hurts. It pisses me off to be honest.

And the rest of the world is still pregnant.
It's not fair.
So tonight, I pout.

It's over....... and I survived!

My first semester of college is over. I was stressed out, overworked, exhausted, and there were times I thought it would NEVER be over. It is though. Finally. I not only survived, but I worked two jobs, have a family, and still maintained a 4.0!

I am really looking forward to next semester. Matt and I are going to be in classes together and lately we have been closer than ever. A lot of people have said that they wouldn't be able to spend as much time with their husband (or wife) as we are going to spend together next semester without wanting to kill the other. I realize that some of them are likely kidding, but still, that makes me sad. Some of those people aren't joking. Some of them really do not enjoy spending time with their spouse. Matt and I love to spend time together. The more time we spend together, the closer we are. Lately we have been closer than ever and we are both very much looking forward to the time we are going to be able to spend together in the coming semester. I just can't understand marrying someone that you don't want to spend as much time with as humanly possible.

For now, I am just going to try to relax and enjoy my 'vacation' while I can. My workstudy is over until next semester. Classes (and workstudy) start again January 11th.  Until then, it's just working at the store and relaxing with the family. Well, that and hosting Christmas for nearly 20 people. That is another story though!

Exhaustion

Matt is officially done at his job. That means that, for now at least, I have to pick up as many extra hours as humanly possible in order to try and make things work. It isn't "ideal" for me, but it Matt and the kids are loving it. A mom's got to do what a mom's got to do, right? This coming week I am working 32.5 hours at the store, 14+ hours at the school and 16 hours of classes. Not to mention that we are quickly winding down towards finals week. There are projects to be done, essays to be written, tests to study for and CHRISTMAS to get ready for too!

Yeah, life isn't crazy enough around here, so we agreed to host Christmas at our house this year. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!?

I am pretty excited about Christmas this year. We got the kids just about everything (reasonable) on their list. Matt is getting most everything on his list too. He also got a BIG surprise this year. I did some rearranging, some wiggling and some saving and surprised him with a Toshiba 40" HD LCD TV. He got that early because I had to buy it on Black Friday and there wasn't anywhere to hide that beast until Christmas. He is thrilled with it, and I am glad that I could give him something that he really wanted.

I was amazed, but even with Matt quitting his job we were still able to pick up little things for pretty much the entire family. I still have to get a few gift cards for my family, but other than that and candy for stocking stuffers, we are all finished with Christmas shopping. Actually, we have the tree up, most of the decorating done, and about half of the wrapping is finished. We are on a roll this year.

A few more weeks and the craziness around here should start to settle into a much more manageable level. December 17 is the last day of finals (though I think mine actually are all finished up by the 15th). Next semester I am taking a much lighter course load, so it should be easier to keep up with everything I hope.

Long time, no post.

Wow! I didn't realize it had been so long since I had posted here. So much to share. So many things have changed, or are getting ready to at the very least.

During my last post I mentioned that Sierra had auditioned for a role in The Sound of Music. The play was last weekend. She actually played two small roles. She did great. Everyone did great. It was amazing!

School is going really well. I have a 4.0 GPA. I also am working a second job. That's part of why it's been so long since I posted. My days start around 5am when Matt gets up for work. As he leave at 5:45 the kids get up and get ready for school. When they leave at 6:50 then it's time for me to get ready and head to class. During my long breaks between classes I know work as an office assistant at the school. I love it. It's challenging and fun. I get along amazingly with the office staff, and alot of the other students are great to work with on a regular basis. After I am done with classes for the day I head to the store for work. We close at 9pm there and once I get home (usually around 10) it's time for homework. I usually fall into bed somewhere between 1 and 2. Then I get to do it all over again! lol

Other big changes to report......Matt's job. In one of my last posts I mentioned that he had moved to a new department. He did adjust well to that department and was enjoying work. Well, he decided he wanted to go back to school. I did some checking, filled out some papers and he got financial aid, so in January when the new semester starts, he is going to school to. That means he has to give up his full time job though. He is giving notice in the morning. He is going to start applying for part time jobs around here very soon. Hopefully it won't take him long to find something. There are a couple of very real possibilities, so we are hopeful. We've thought this out though, and we know that even if he doesn't find something right away, we are going to be fine. January might be a bit of a struggle, but in February we will be getting excess checks from our financial aid, and not long after that we will get our income tax return. We are going to use that money to pay all of our living expenses for a year and the money from my checks will buy groceries and put gas in the car. There won't be any money for extras, so we will have to cut ALL non essential spending, but in the end it will really be worth it.

Another change is that I have changed my major. I was going for nursing, and I still think I would have enjoyed it, but I quickly realized that it just wasn't realistic for me. I wanted to be a labor and delivery nurse and to counsel parents who lost their babies to miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death. The problem with that is that the nearest hospital with a L&D unit is more than an hour away. One semster of driving that distance to the main campus made me realize that I just don't see myself driving like that for long periods of time..... especially in the winter. Since Matt doesn't want to move away from where we live (and neither do I most of the time) that career path just wasn't realistic. Right now I am just going to focus on getting my Associate of Arts. I am taking some business electives, because I think that is likely the path I am going to take after I get my AA.

I am going to try to continue posting here on a regular basis. Finals week is quickly approaching though, and I have ALOT on my plate right now, so I have no idea how often it will happen.

First days

Well, so far the school year is off to a smooth start. Sierra and Will both have had two good days so far. Sierra auditioned for a play today with the community theater and she thinks that it went really well. I guess the director told her she did awesome and that she was the best he'd seen (for that particular role) yet. The play is The Sound of Music. I don't recall which role she auditioned for though. (She told me about this during the few minutes between me coming home and her going to bed.) It will certainly make things a little more hectic if she gets it, but we have tried so hard to find some extracurricular activity that she enjoys and excels at that if she does get it, we'll have to make it work.

Matt is doing well in his new department too. The job isn't as physical as it was in the old department, but it's using a new set of muscles, so he's kind of sore. That and ALOT of his co workers are hispanic and speak very little english, so there isn't really anyone for him to talk to during his long hours. His dad is transferring to this department soon too though, so if he can just hang tough for a little while it will get easier soon.

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. I only have two classes (psych and bio lab) but they are at the Creston campus (the main campus) so it means driving just over an hour to get to class and then another drive to get home. I'm pretty nervous too. I've been out of school for 12 years. I'm 30 years old. Am I really going to be able to pull this off, or have I waited too long to start school. I guess I'll find out starting tomorrow! lol

I have to get there a little early too though because I still have to make a trip to the business office to get parking permits for my truck and for Matt's car (just in case I still end up taking it from time to time. I also need to stop by the Osceola campus on the way to Creston or on the way home on or the other to pick up my final book for an online class that I added during orientation. Friday after classes I need to make a run to WalMart for a few more supplies that I still need. I can get through the first couple of days without the stuff though. I'd rather have it now before classes start, but I have to wait for my paycheck on Friday though.

For now, I'm heading to bed so that I have enough rest before class tomorrow. Wow, I can't believe I am really a college student and startling classes now! I don't know wether to be worried or excited! I guess for now I'll be both!

Turtle Soup

Grandma H. (Matt's Grandma) gave the kids (my kids and five of the cousins) all turtles today. The kids are thrilled. The parents.... depends on which one you are talking about. Most of us don't mind. Matt is slightly annoyed. We had told the kids no more pets. I like turtles though, and have wanted another one for a long time. Matt keeps teasing the kids and telling them that they can keep the turtles since they are from Grandma, but that as soon as they are big enough, we are going to have turtle soup for dinner. It's going to take a long time for them to get that big. Right now they are only the size of quarters! lol

Tomorrow Matt moves to a new department at work (FINALLY!). He has been in his department for like 5+ years and normally people only hang around for a year, maybe two. It's physically the most demanding department in the entire company and he's been injured for MONTHS, but the injury didn't have time to heal because of how demanding the job was. The new department is so much better for him physically, and because of the hours, it's better for the whole family. He will be leaving the house around 6am most days (compared to 3:30 am before) and will be home by 4:15 (compared to 6:45 pm). He will be working Monday through Friday with an occasional weekend shift whereas before he worked a 3-2-2 shift before. One week he would work 3, 2 off, work 2. The following week would be 3 off, work 2, 2 off. That just rotated back and forth.

Tomorrow is a big day for the kids too. School starts back tomorrow. Sierra is going to be a 7th grader and Will starts 3rd grade. That means that he moves to a new school. Technically they both do. Our school system here is a little different. The south school is grades Pre-K thru 2nd. North school is 3rd -5th. Then you have the junior/senior high. 6th graders all all kept in one wing seperate from the rest of the students though (this wing actually connects the junior/senior high to the north school) and then 7-12 are basically all intermingling through the rest of the building. So tomorrow my baby moves to the big school and my older baby gets thrown into the lions den (aka high school). It's so strange to realize that because physically she is SO small that I forget sometimes just how old she is getting.

I also have some big plans tomorrow. I plan on tackling this house big time. It's so hard to keep up with everything when everyone is home during the day, but now that the kids are back in school and Matt is back to work I hope to catch up quickly. I HAVE to catch up quickly actually because I start school Wednesday and after that, there just isn't going to be much time for cleaning. I hope to hit it hard tomorrow and get the whole house done before work. Tuesday I want to relax as much as possible and print up chore sheets for EVERYONE and then Wednesday.....well, to put it simply, chaos will reign beginning Wednesday. lol I'm taking 17 hours this semester, working 25 hours or so a week and still trying to raise a family. This should get interesting.

Surprises and registration.

I guess my interview went better than I thought. That's the first surprise. I did end up getting a promotion. Not exactly the one I applied for, but in reality this works out even better. I am a second assistant now. Basically the same thing as an assistant except that my hours of availability would prevent me from working a full shift most of the time, so I am kind of just a back up. lol So I get the perks, (a raise, the ability to do more myself instead of having to call for help and such) with very few of the headaches since there will most likely be someone else actually in charge most of the time. Works for me!


I had to take the kids to school today for registration. Another surprise there. We didn't qualify for free lunch this year. ICKY. Thankfully we do still qualify for reduced lunches, and reduced fees. I still had to hand over $52.00 today though and that was with only putting $5 in each kid's lunch account. I'm going to have to do some figuring and get some more money into those accounts quick. I also have to get Sierra a new clarinet. She has been using a school instrument, but it's not in that great of shape, and they won't fix it (I have to pay for it even though she doesn't get to keep the instrument). She's been playing with this peice of crap horn for two years now. I found a place that I can finance a new one for resonable payments. The problem is that my credit sucks, and you have to pass the credit check so now tonight I have to convince Matt to use his name to finance and to put the first payment on his card and then I can make the other 29 payments. If I can convince him to do this and I place the order tonight, she will have the horn before school starts.

I am REALLY stressing out about school. I don't know how I am going to pull all of this together. Work, school, being a wife and a mom and taking care of everything that I have to take care of. It's just stressing me out so bad. I hope I made the right choices. I hope that this all works out smoothly.

Maybe time for a change.

The interview at work didn't go well ate all. Before the interview was even over I had decided that I didn't want the promotion. I spent a big portion of the interview being yelled at for things that were not my responsibility (If I am not the one in charge, it's not fair to yell at me if things didn't get completed).  I was also yelled at for posting something negative on FB. All I did was say something about being glad the BS from that night was over. I will admit that I probably shouldn't have posted it, but I really didn't feel like it was that big of a deal. I mean.....everyone knows that you deal with BS anywhere you work. It's  not like I was specifically naming instances where this particular store was doing things that could be portrayed in a negative light. I could! I didn't though. Regardless, within minutes, I know that I don't want the postion. Matt Thinks I should still take it if it's offered to me though, and since I am trying to be a better, more submissive wife, I don't really have a choice but to take it. GRRRR! I was supposed to hear something today, but I they didn't call like they said they would. I'm fairly certain I didn't get it, but with a second manager quiting this weekend and a third possibly leaving..... well, it could be possible that they will offer it to me. ~sigh~

Until I have to deal with that (tomorrow) I'll just look at the positive and happy things in my life. Tonight Matt and Will are at a wrestling event in Des Moines. They have so much fun at these events, and it's fairly inexpensive, so they do them once a month on average. When they do, Sierra and I have a girls night. Tonight, we went to Subway for dinner and then we came home for movie night. We are watching Twilight and New Moon while I am teaching Sierra to crochet. I am working on spending more one on one time with her because I know that she really needs that at her age. She just turned 12 in April, and if that wasn't a hard enough age, she is so small that she looks like she is 8 or 9. I'm teaching her to crochet, to garden, to can foods from the garden, and how to cook during our one on one time. She really seems to enjoy it, and I definitely love the bonding time.

This time also gives Matt and Will time for "male bonding". There are times that I hate the bond between them. I mean.... Will is MY baby, and he's supposed to love me the most. lol At the same time, I am grateful that he has Matt to be his male role model. I know that he needs that. I just wish I was his favorite again. ~shrug~

That's all I have for now. Off to teach Sierra the next step for her crocheting project. I'm surprised how quickly she is catching on! She's making chains with no problem so next I need to teach her how to double back so that she can make a scarf with the yarn she picked out today.

Changes....

I have an interview at work today for a possible promotion. I have such mixed feelings on this! Part of me would love the promotion and the raise, but the other part of me doesn't want the stress or the responsibility of it. There are five other people interviewing and only one spot, but in a way I have an advantage because I am already employed there. The majority of the time the promote inhouse first.

On the other hand, a couple of the people are available more than I am and have more management experience, so maybe they have the advantage. I don't really know what to think or expect. Just pray that God's will be done, please.